okay.

he's away hunting for four days and i kinda can't breathe? i'm doing better than previous days of separation.. i only cried friday night, saturday morning when we said goodbye, and after he called me saturday night. no crying today. I'M A SURVIVOR.

i ate a lot of food and watched a lot of netflix. (including a ridiculous documentary about vogue and a ton of parks & recreation episodes.) i also cleaned the entire house, top to bottom. except the kitchen. because i need to save stuff to do tomorrow night. i might make soup? oh, and i took a 2 hour nap.

so, there you have it. day two is almost over!

what's the point?

the point is.. i've kinda lost my point. and i'm kinda tired of thinking about everything i used to do, and the places i used to go, and the people i used to know. thing is, i sit here with one contact lens in, no money in the bank, my boyfriend wants more alone time, i'm frustrated with my job (or perhaps the lack of a decent one), and.. oh, i'm pretty sure my foot is broken. so, yeah. i'd rather think about the days i spent hours with my camera all over the place (i don't have one right now) and the nights i spent with friends (don't really have those anymore, either?) and the copious amounts of travel i somehow afforded, even if it was just all those weekends in new york or philadelphia. 

 

so, the world for me is.. feels a little empty. i came here for an us, and us is doing well.. but.. i'm in a place in life that i'm just getting to know.. and i didn't bring a lot of myself with me, so it probably doesn't know me at all. it's like i need to regrow a few pieces of my identity and share it.. maybe it will remember me?

 

i just want to make art again and remember what it's like to be content & alone (and that's it okay to be alone) and love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul and look at new places and talk about it (whatever it is) with people (whoever they are) and take a walk and a drive and a drink and write about it all again here.

lunch break.

here!

i love him forever.

goals for the weekend..

+ run at least once, maybe twice if i can find the energy.

+ clean. a lot. as well as all of the other little house projects i have on my mind.

+ bake french bread and maybe some cinnamon buns?

+ make angel soup. that is happening tonight.

+ drink a lot of wine.

+ take pictures. preferably at the cemetery.

+ remember to feed kitty.

+ do not max out credit card while shopping tomorrow.

+ try not to cry! (so far, so good) (movies or tv don't count.. ..ha)

from our street.

welcome home.

the past few months, y'all know, haven't been the greatest.. or, rather, they've been the greatest, but certain things were not so great. i've sort of felt like i've been living two different lives as two different people.. and it's been really difficult, both emotionally & physically. i've been struggling for the past few years just to get my feet on the ground, out the door, and start life on my own in a new place. previous attempts either failed or, even if they were acted upon, i knew deep down it just wasn't the right way.

i guess it might seem like not a big deal to a lot of people. okay, so, i got a new job. that happens a lot for people. and it's more of a step backwards, not really forward, in the scheme of a career. ohh, congrats, i'm not commuting anymore. that's awesome, but is it really life changing? yeah, 'cause none of this is really about the job. the job is just the first puzzle piece put into place, so the rest can just fall in place.

never did i ever think i'd move my ass to an unknown city to live with someone i'd just met and it would be the best decision i ever made. it honestly took me a few months to walk up to my front door, slip my key in the lock, and feel like, "here is where i live. here is where i belong." continuing to work back towards my hometown never made it seem completely real and, also, made it really difficult. 2.5 hr round-trips and 2 tanks of gas a week aside, i felt really out of place everywhere. i just always felt like i kept leaving places. leaving my new home, leaving my old home. i started feeling different at work because i didn't live there anymore and i knew i wasn't going to stay.

i have dreams of being with batman forever, in a house, with kids (ladies, i don't have a choice) & dogs & cats, fields of grapes, and riding out this big journey with him. i just had this silly little tie holding me back, mentally, from all of that. i don't have to wake up and leave anymore. i can stay. i can walk back to our house at the end of the day. it's not a road trip anymore. anyone i meet, anywhere i go, it's all right here.

post-run.

breathe, smile, love, live.

i've had a really distressful couple of weeks.. and it all stems for me worrying about what i can't have, what i don't have, what i seem to think is missing, and what if this or that bad thing happens.

remember the job you go to everyday that pays you and lets you have insurance and a flexible schedule? remember the brand new car you drive that is safe & reliable (unless i hit someone OOPS)? the roof over my head, the shoes on my feet. i live in a pretty safe place and i'm breathing, healthy, living. maybe it sounds cheesy, but it's real.

most importantly, the man who makes me laugh, even if he's poking fun at me. he makes me smile, feel beautiful, loves me even when i'm acting crazy, and would do anything for me. the man that i admire so much, that still gives me butterflies when i'm on my way home to see him. he's gorgeous, smart, and so loving. i've never met a more amazing person and i am the luckiest girl in the world to have him as mine.

this is what i have, among so many other things. what i have is so much important and relevant to my happiness, deserves much more attention, than what i don't. i can wish for things, work hard to make what i have better, but i cannot dwell. this time of my life is really confusing, difficult, and emotional. i need to let go and learn to create a balance. i'm luckier and happier and better than i let myself be.

in case you haven't heard..

i tried some "urban" running today. the change of scenery was needed.. jumping over uneven pavement, around trashcans and tree roots, watching out for cars.

when i watch anything about or involving dancers, it deflates my heart. i will always feel like that was my chance to do something real & beautiful. i know it wouldn't have lasted forever, but.. for a moment, i would have felt that.

my muffins failed.

i watched food, inc. i'm so mad and, yes, i cried. i just cannot believe the ignorance, the cruelty, the lies, the dollars, the hurt. FOOD. it's a basic necessity of life. food, water, shelter. FOOD. instead of using it to bring us to life, it's being used to kill us.

and where can i find some cooler weather?!

hello.

i can't think of a title.

I want to learn
How to mix these colors
The cold blue shades of morning
Splashed by golden light
To paint your skies & highways
I've left out the exit numbers
Washed out dividers & signs
My big browns watch your glazed greys
My heart pounds, your heart skips
I'll catch up to you, collide, head-on
Eyes close, hands grasp, bodies meet
Cold blue to dark grey
Golden yellow to deep orange
The paint stains the sheets
Smeared across our limbs
Drips off your breathing lips
Pressed to mine, we succumb to the sunset

I'm wide awake, it's morning.

sigh.

things are not going to get better any time soon, are they? every
single day brings something else to weigh me down.

i have never felt so unlike myself, so disappointed in myself, so
emotionally negative.

moreso, i am sorry for disappointing you, too.

tomorrow is a new day. it has to be.

this is it.

i'm kinda getting sick of myself. being unhappy and acting like the
world's against me. i just want to get over it. i want to spend time
with you and love you and pay attention only to you. to us.

summer is my favorite season and i've barely experienced it. running
in the sweltering heat and two seconds from collapsing does not count.
the beach, swimming, sunshine, thunderstorms, nature. remember those
things? i almost forgot.

reflect.

hey.

suddenly, this has become more of a photoblog. not that i mind. i write here for 3, maybe 4, people. you already know everything.. so, there's never anything new to write. but, the pictures are just something different. i've been using the hipstamatic app on my iphone a lot lately and i like the results. someday, i'll buy a new camera and adobe lightroom and get back into doing everything myself, better. someday..

playing.

tonight.

wet skies.

climbing vines.

2nd st.

i am home.

yes, this is such a profound moment that it needs it's own post.

richmond.

being here sucks. that's about the best way i can put it. the work situation is totally unorganized and ridiculous. i don't really need to be here, i'm just extra help and there's nothing to do and it's slow slow slow. no one prepared me in any way and no one down here has any clue what's going on. i'm sad & lonely everyday. i don't know anyone and i don't want to be social. and, obviously, i miss derrick so much. i hate not coming home to him and i hate how quiet it is without him. call me weak, lame, stubborn. i just completely dislike it.

derrick came down friday night until this afternoon. obviously, the highlight of my time here. it was just hard to not be sad. we ate at some good restaurants, went to a local winery for some wine tasting, walked along the canal & the river downtown, ate ice cream.

i just wish working wasn't so horrible and i wish they had things for me to do. i would honestly rather just work every day, super overtime, and never worry about sitting here by myself. luckily, my schedule was adjusted so i'll be coming home one day early.

five days & counting..

if you only knew.

it's 4:03 and i can't sleep
without you next to me i
toss and turn like the sea
if i drown tonight, bring me
back to life
breathe your breath in me
the only thing that i still believe
in is you, if you only knew

good morning.

flourescent.

oceans.

the best part of me is you.

* the improvements i've made since i started running a few months ago are awesome. i feel awesome and i'm really proud of myself. i get excited about running and it's truly exhilarating plus makes me feel like i'm dying. yay.

* i made some pretty crappy lasagna the other night. i'm being too hard on myself, but lasagna is one of batman's favorites. it's not that bad, just a slight fail. i am sad about it.

* i need to dye my hair again. after i get it cut. it's already pretty much gone from the last time and i strangely really love myself more with the darker hair. we're going darker next time.

* i leave on tuesday for virginia. 12 days! i am not looking forward to it at all. there's a small part of me that's excited for the change of scenery & people. otherwise, i've been blocking it out and not wanting to think about it. i've just been stressed way too much lately because of work and this will be some new stress to add on to it. i just hope that maybe this trip will help me feel better about things and i'll come back fresh.

* in other news, i'm reaching a really great level of comfort, safety, & love here. not that i did not feel comfortable, safe, or loved before; it just gets better & better everyday.

* i learned how to post here via e-mail and/or text. perhaps i will post a little more often now.

just a few things.

* we baked bread for the first time on sunday. it's an interesting process, how many times you have to play with it and then let it sit for an hour. the end result was pretty tasty. we made wheat bread, nothing too exciting.

* i recently read alicia silverstone's "the kind diet." i read a lot of books about these topics and i feel like a lot of writers are always trying to shove their views down your throat in an aggressive way. have you read the "skinny bitch" books? they attacked me. i think she did a good job of discussing & educating in a respectful way. however, she's obviously not a great writer, nor is she professionally educated in this field so there's a lot of generic language. overall? nothing to get crazy about, but it's a good read for beginners.

* in addition to that, i'm taking my vegan approach slowly (didn't know that? now ya do). i'm trying to cut back to meat/dairy at one meal a day, no more than that. i also want to avoid any severe detox symptoms from changing too quickly. and it's obviously hard living with a man who worships meat & his grill, but i want to do it in the best way possible to not inhibit anyone else. it's amazing the difference my body feels even just after one meal that is vegan. imagine if i followed it the whole day or, eventually, all the time.

* i've become increasingly exhausted by my work schedule. i work five days a week just like everybody else, but i never have two days off in a row. i never fully recover or feel fully rested. i have off today, but i'm already on the mindset of what needs to get done tomorrow at work. the hour commute doesn't help, either. that was just me complaining. i'll be okay. it won't be like this forever.

* in other news, i love who i wake up next to every morning, who i come home to every evening, and who i fall asleep next to every night.

the river.

i think i need a nap..

but, first, i wanted you to see this.. and say hi. hi! okay, i'm done!